Pestilence: noun
- a deadly or virulent epidemic disease.
- bubonic plague
- something that is considered harmful, destructive, or evil.
I blame O.J. Simpson for the Kardashians. And, according to Dictionary.com, definitions for the word “pestilence” both one and three above apply to this particular pestilence. (I’m not entirely sure number two doesn’t as well.)
With the compelling new FX miniseries “The People vs. O.J. Simpson” just beginning its run, Americans have been reintroduced to the He-Totally-Got-Away-With-Double-Murder phenomenon known as the O.J. Simpson trial. Those of us of a certain age remember with vivid clarity where we were when those awful words “not guilty” rang out in a Los Angeles courtroom, and a murderer was set free. We all remember seeing the split screens of white and black audiences and their diametrically opposed reactions. White crowd=stunned outrage. Black crowd=jubilation. I never could understand how black people a) defended a black guy who lived as an affluent white guy and b) supported reverse jury nullification. What if those were your relatives who were slaughtered?! But I digress.
Members of Generation Participation Trophy weren’t alive during the O.J. trainwreck, but it was because of the Simpson trial that America was introduced to the (seemingly kind but perplexed) late Robert Kardashian—O.J.’s longtime friend who served as one of his attorneys (even though he was not a criminal lawyer)–and his estranged wife–future “momager” Kris Jenner. (Please forgive me for giving that ridiculous word any mention at all.)
Today’s culture has been so overtaken by talentless fame whores–and aspiring talentless fame whores–constantly posting duckfacing selfies–it’s hard to imagine what life was like without them. But we were without them, not so long ago.
With the birth of the internet about 20 years ago, and then with the rise of social media, pointless, vapid socialites like Paris Hilton and her ilk began tormenting our culture unmercifully. One might remember a time, way back in 2004, when the Paris Hilton sex tape was all the rage, and a face filler-free Kim Kardashian was Paris’ ambitious lady-in-waiting, getting papped (that’s slang for having paparazzi take your picture, DUH) hitting all the early-2000s Los Angeles clubs and shops and doing absolutely nothing worthwhile.
For some inexplicable reason, Kris Jenner (along with an enabling Bruce Jenner—remember him?) and Ryan Seacrest (that pint-sized Merv Griffin) put their nefarious heads together and decided that what America really needed was Kris’ hugely untalented and uninteresting family shoved in our faces as much as possible.
And what better way to accomplish that but to have her 26 year old Kash Kow Kimmie star in her very own sex tape! Which *somehow* got released to the public!
After this revolting spectacle was let loose on the world, Kris’ desires for her coterie of fame whores became even more ambitious. Why, there should be a show all about their amazing family and all their hilarious hijinks and they should call it “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”!
And so it came to be. Painfully, and often, and usually in an episode marathon on E!.
The phenomenon of fame for fame’s sake absent any actual accomplishment is a recent development (minus Jerry Springer territory) and it seems that more and more people are being sucked into the fame whore vortex. This Vortex of Suck traps Housewives from Beverly Hills, New Jersey, New York, Atlanta, and Orange County; would-be singers and dancers; teen moms; people who want to live in a house with strangers and spill their deepest secrets; individuals who are naked and afraid; little people who adopt other little people; girls who’ve gone wild; chefs forced to make culinary masterpieces with alligator liver and pine nuts; and of course, at the center of this vortex, the Kardashians.
The Kardashians have played a major role in completely ruining American culture. Gone are the days of Charlie’s Angels, The Bob Newhart Show, Seinfeld, Cheers, Mary Tyler Moore, or any other show which actually requires a script and talent. Now we have a family who encourages their daughters to tweak, pull, plump, stretch, lift and otherwise mutilate every body part in order to be liked by the increasingly stupid American public. Even the younger ones have gotten in on the action. I swear–I think Kim, Khloe, and the youngest one (whatever her name is) must hold stock in Fix-A-Flat because, honest to God, I can’t figure out what they’re putting in their faces.
Their obsession with publicly documenting—with pouts, of course—every lip injection, bikini shot, or bowel movement has influenced far too many Americans, who think that, with just a little effort and maybe a sex tape, they too can bypass college, a meaningful career, and self-respect in order to make it big on the fame whore stroll.
What is actually quite sad is the she-devil Kris Jenner has single-handedly put all of this in motion. It has been alleged that she was the one who suggested Kim perform in a sex tape—and made sure it was done right. Because if it worked for the wonky-eyed frenemy Paris, why wouldn’t it work for her sweet Kimmie? This woman, who has more filler in her face than Nancy Pelosi (if that’s possible), started pimping out her youngest daughters at a very young age, with Kendall becoming a “model” (after a nose job) and the other one (Kylie? Kameron? Kayla? I lose track) following in the footsteps of the original Kash Kow (Kim) by doing absolutely nothing but walking around getting photographed and completely changing her appearance with lip injections, a nose job, hair extensions, breasts and butt implants, and God knows what else.
It’s gotten to the point that young women have taken their cues straight from the Kardashians and other wastes of space (cough Amber Rose cough) and have started having all sorts of mess injected into their bodies and faces in order to emulate their *heroines*. Plastic surgeons are catering to younger and younger women who think if only their lips were the size of inflatable donuts, or their noses looked like Michael Jackson’s–only thinner, or their butts were like Kim’s, or their faces had no ability to make any expression whatsoever–THEN they would be able to compete in the fame whore game.
Yes, indeed—the Kardashians are a pestilence on our culture. They are certainly not the only ones, but they are the most obnoxious and awful. And the only way to rid ourselves of this Biblical pestilence is to stop paying attention to them. Which, I guess you could say, I’m sort of guilty of not doing by writing this article. But let me state this for the record: if anyone reading my words follows those succubus gollums on social media, or watch their insipid shows, or buy their stupid apps, or wear their lackluster clothing or makeup, you’re making it so these people never, ever go away.
Please—regardless of your intelligence level—liberate yourself from this Kardashian pestilence! The civilized world depends on it!
