‘Sup, homies.
It’s your old pal Tom Perez—head of the Democratic National Committee!
I’m here today to introduce you to some truly well-rounded lunatics candidates the Democrat Party is excited to showcase as part of our March to the Gulag 2020!
We Democrats are nothing if not consistent. If you haven’t had a chance to Leticia Rrrrramos’ piece about the current Democrat platform, please click here.
But, to summarize, Democrats have now willingly gone full-frontal leftist – which, of course, is exactly what this jacked up, racist country really needs.
Enough of this “Build the Wall”, national sovereignty, border security hoo-ha.
Enough of the ignoble thought of keeping most of the money you earn instead of letting grifters use your bank account as a milk-laden cow udder.
Forget the idea of legal, controlled immigration with no taxpayer resources given to illegal aliens – only racists believe in that!
Weather? What WEATHER? Everybody knows humanity (who on one hand is insignificant, and on the other inordinately powerful and destructive) is causing weather patterns to change, even though there is literally no conclusive proof of any such thing. Who cares! A bunch of elite leftists say it’s true, so all the lemmings important people fall right in line.
And while we’re on the subject of Truly Important People Who Believe Important Things, we can’t leave out the proven science of gender choice. Yes, only Backwards Berthas with their half-dozen remaining teeth believe there are only TWO genders! Everyone KNOWS the truly enlightened among us can gratuitously change their gender (or race, age, or ethnicity, for that matter) on any given day.
Speaking of gratuitous, can we talk about PLASTIC STRAWS, people? The next time you are offered a paper straw that turns to pulp in your mouth within 25 seconds, you can thank an enlightened progressive for understanding that plastic straws are more dangerous to the world than Islamic Terrorists (which don’t really exist, but we have to pretend they do). Not as dangerous as Donald Trump, but still. Those straws are pretty bad.
When it comes to religion, all Democrats believe in the notion of #Coexisting. We want all of Gaia’s children living together in peace in harmony on our evil, dying planet. But sometimes, some clarification must be forthcoming. Remember: Muslims are peaceful and persecuted. Christians are racist, barbaric, anti-choice lunatics. Jews are mostly Zionist devils. Sometimes we pretend to like them, but only if they give us money.
And of course, no list of Democrat beliefs would be complete without the Holy Grail of Abortion on Demand. Long gone are the days when Democrats pretended claimed to want abortion only in the first trimester, or on a “non-viable fetus” or insisting on “safe, legal, and rare” abortion. Now, only crazy Kentucky high school kids from Covington Catholic High School who wear MAGA hats and “smirk” at wise, Native American fake Vietnam soldiers believe in such sophistry.
No, we Democrats today believe that life begins only when WE say it does. For example, in New York, the great Catholic Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill allowing dismemberment abortion to take place during all nine months of pregnancy. And, if that blob of cisgender, fake human tissue has the audacity to be BORN, well, either a medical or a non-medical professional (who cares who kills it, because it’s an unwanted blob of cells)can easily snip its brain stem, collapse its skull, and kill it off once and for all. Progress!
It goes without saying that all of our announced and potential Democrat candidates will all have their progressive, enlightened bonafides all lined up.
I’m pleased to present a few for you today.
Sen. Kamala Harris: Kamala checks a lot of our boxes. She’s a cis-female, she’s half black (like St. Obama), and she slept her way to the top with a corrupt African American mayor of San Francisco. She is all for abortion up to and including birth, but is relentlessly anti-death penalty for violent murderers. ESPECIALLY for cop killers! Just ask slain San Francisco police officer Isaac Espinoza. When she was district attorney, she refused to seek the death penalty against his murderer. Big ups, Kamala! She also sided with baby-voiced colossal liar Christine Blasey Ford and tried to destroy Justice Brett Kavanaugh. She loves illegal aliens and thinks Angel Moms are racist liars. She’s a master of the teleprompter (Haaay, Barack!) and has good hair. Might be a shoe-in.
Former Vice President Joe Biden: Plugs used to be what we would call a “ringer.” However, in today’s Democrat party of identity politics, not so much. He is pigmently challenged, married to a cis-female and is, unfortunately, also cis-male. These are three strikes against him. However, he is rapidly becoming senile and loves groping the ladies, which Democrats always like. Keep your eye on Uncle Joe.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren: those cheekbones! Her 1/1024thNative American designation DOES NOT MEAN she’s not a woman of color. I mean, that’s how she got her job at Harvard as their first ever female minority professor! And don’t let any DNA test tell you any differently, Fauxcahontas. Let’s smoke the peace pipe and get you on your way to the first Democratic debate!
Gov. Andrew Cuomo: although outwardly heterosexual and cis-male, inside, he’s really an Emo lesbian. Not only did he sign the most sweeping pro-abortion law in American history last week, but he’s also 100% anti-Normal America. He’ll tell you himself how hated those pro-life, pro-traditional marriage flyover country freaks are. In his very own words: they’re not wanted in the great state of New York! Like the ultimate unifier (and honorary chairman of Black Lives Matter and the Muslim Brotherhood) President Barack Obama, Andrew would make an excellent choice to unite our divided land.
Sen. Bernie Sanders: Crazy Bernie’s stock is slipping, but never count out this crusty old commie! He knows how to take one for the team (just ask the DNC during the 2016 primary). He’s no schmuck: this socialist gladly took possession of a $600,000 lake house courtesy of the Hillary Clinton campaign. His equally #woke wife Jane is also just corrupt enough and is under investigation for embezzling funds from a progressive institute of higher learning (an oxymoron, but roll with it) in Vermont. He’s the O.G. of Democratic Socialists and will always have a soft spot in the heart of every liberal freak activist.
Rep. Robert “Beto” “Herp Mouth” O’Rourke: Democrats love new, shiny things, and this skateboarding, gimmicky, hackneyed political whore is their newest Cracker Jack toy. Unfortunately for Beto, all Cracker Jack toys end up tossed away after a quick curse of “What is this crap?” However, Oprah loves this toothy jackass, so you never know.
Some other Democrat Clown Car candidates include Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (who clearly visits Speaker Pelosi’s plastic surgeon/med spa on the regular), teenage female groper Spartacus Sen. Cory Booker, and former Obama Housing and Urban Development Secretary Julian Castro. None of them has any chance whatsoever, but hey, there’s always a shot at VP!
Our goal at the DNC is to present the most radical, nightmarish candidates possible to the American people—all the while lying and obfuscating their true records and beliefs. Our voters are very dumb, so usually this isn’t really that difficult. And this time, we promise not to fix the primary for Hillary. Unless of course she wants it, and then that’s a bit of a pickle. Here’s hoping her dementia kicks in full time so that doesn’t happen!
Of course all of this is moot if the soon-to-be canonized, most amazing woman in the world Michelle Obama jumps in the race. America needs her special brand of elitist, loathing condescension. We’ve been desperately missing is since The Orange Oaf descended upon us. Plus, I know all those fawning women’s magazines miss her impeccable ARMS! Run, Mooch, ruuuuun!!
Onward to 2020!
