They walk among us.

You may have seen them: unduly tattooed, ironically bespectacled, bushy bearded or mustached. Aggressively soft–bodied, braless, un-#BodyShamed young women donning high-waisted jorts; young men wearing male tank tops or boy rompers.

In short, a collection of hooligans whose closets look as if the whole of Urban Outfitters projectile vomited on every last one of them, as they regurgitate the fortune cookie wisdom their aging hippie professors taught them.

Fedora: check. “Vintage” sunglasses: check. Male purse: check. Hemp bracelets and clothing: check. Peace signs during a selfie: check.

I speak, of course, of Millennials.

Much has been written about these vapid, smug, know-it-all, too-cool-for-school Starbucks Yodas, and while many articles (read: everything on BuzzFeed) seek to understand what makes this generation of insufferable Lena Dunham impersonators tick, I will instead focus on mocking them until they all head for their Safe Spaces.

To be sure–and this caveat I give wholeheartedly, as I have younger siblings in this generation– “not all Millennials” fall into the extreme eye-rolling category. As they say, the cream eventually will rise. However, it does seem this generation contains a fair amount of–shall we say–debris that instead of rising, sinks. For every one up-from-the-bootstraps, ROTC-and-Johns Hopkins medical school graduate we hear about there are three sniveling brats mortally offended if you use the pronoun “him” to describe a transsexual.

Spoller Alert: An Unimaginably Annoying One.

I used to think Generation X was the last great American generation. But how can that be? My generation has spawned this group of pantywaists who never want to leave home! Gen X (and the aging hippies who taught us) instilled into the culture, media, and politics a leftist status quo—and it’s everywhere you look.

In other words, thanks to the Harvard patchouli aficionados and Gen X, EVERYTHING is now political.  

These precious little snowflakes have been taught white people are inherently racist and must not be allowed to speak due to “white privilege”. They have been told America is evil, colonialist, and imperialist–and the Founding Fathers were demonic slave owners.

Also, everything is better in Europe, and the only difference between Judeo-Christian and Islamic cultures is that Islamic culture is superior, you right wing bigot.


They’ve been indoctrinated with identity politics, where bean-counting individuals based on ethnicity, religion, gender (now up for interpretation, so thanks for that), sexual orientation, race, disability, height, weight, and every other sub-category known to man is not only expected, it is demanded.

I think walling them off in Los Feliz or Williamsburg should suffice…..

Free speech on campus, once a concept praised by leftists, no longer exists. Millennials attending college are so completely propagandized by the Left they write manifestos and make demands upon university presidents to disinvite conservative speakers OR ELSE.

Racial terrorist organizations like Black Lives Matter and La Raza are given legitimacy and a place at the bargaining table. Riots, violence, collective tantrums, and intimidation of any person uttering “offensive” speech is now the norm. Professors who don’t toe the rabid progressive line are under siege and forced to resign by these rancid, obnoxious Almond Milk Drinkers.

Things that now exist: the male romper and the ADD spinner. #Millennials

Generation Permanently Slouched think open borders and global citizenry should be the goal of every open-minded liberal. The concept of “assimilation” is seen as racist and a by-product of white privilege.

Millennials have been made so hysterically afraid over the hoax of manmade climate change they ACTUALLY BELIEVE we will all have to move to Mars because Earth will soon (as in within 50 years) be uninhabitable.

To millennials, conservatives–and especially President Trump–are seen as the enemy of all humanity. This, of course, goes without saying.

Millennials get degrees in Gender and Women’s Studies and then expect to find jobs in online marketing which pay $80,000 out of college. If not, well, it’s back to Mommy’s house, because Mommy has created a monster.

Enlightened millennials have a perfectly diverse set of friends, unlike YOU. #RightWingBigot

They’ve been pampered to the point where “gluten” is a dirty word, and the sight of a peanut might send one of these angels into paroxysms.

Instead of locking down phones and computers at night, Gen X parents have let their children run wild online, to the point where kids think having sex at 12 is perfectly normal and online porn is de regueur. That’s right: goofy-looking bike helmets are MANDATORY but kids watching porn? Meh. After all, they’re going to look at it anyway!

All that’s missing here is a Starbucks cup, some well-placed tattoos, and a person of ambiguous gender.

My generation did away with the concept of competition, and in its place told children “it doesn’t matter if you win, just have fun!” The dirty little secret, of course, is that every kid knows who won or lost. And when they get their crummy little participation trophies, they all know it means they stunk.

My generation and the preceding generation of Free To Be You And Me monsters have completely sidelined the idea of hard work, showing up on time, not grading on a curve, failing a student due to poor grades or non-attendance, or any number of concepts that just 30 to 40 years ago were what was called “Real Life.” Instead of teachers being the final word on a student’s grade, now they often fear for their jobs on a daily basis if a nasty helicopter parent refuses to acknowledge their child isn’t the next Bill Gates. To them, It’s the TEACHER’S fault their child is failing, not his!

I recently attended an event where I was able to observe my subjects in their natural habitat: a concert hall where everyone took selfies in the bathroom and wore clunky Converse sneakers, high-waisted shorts, and were aggressively lumpy.

I shudder to think of the leaders coming out of this morass. Take Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, the regressive Newspeak connoisseur whose company punishes conservative speech and promotes liberal fascism. He has now called for a “universal basic wage” so that people “can follow their dreams” and not have to worry about that pesky thing called working while they invent the latest emoji app.

And as with all liberals of means, Mark has not yet opened his wallet to start doling out said universal wage to the unwashed entrepreneurs of the world. I won’t hold my breath.

Take a look at any Millennial’s Instagram or Twitter feed and you too will fear for what’s to come. In between posting videos of drug-fueled parties where mind-blowingly awful UnceUnceUnce electronic or Katy Perry “music” is blared and hilarious Social Justice Warrior posts, a Millennial will often find the time to capture her latest Snapchat picture–complete with cute little doggy face cartoons over her nose and mouth.

In addition to invented genders and pronouns that don’t exist, Millennials are also fond of makeup for boys.

Yes, World: weep for the future.

I’m sure at some point these virtue-signaling Peter Pans will eventually have no choice but to bathe, shave, wear something non-ironic, and get to work at somewhere other than a tattoo parlor, coffee shop, non-profit organization, or as a glorified intern for Daddy.

When that day comes, I pray to the good Lord above I’ve got my 25-year stash of dried food, water, gold, ammo, and all my Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm DVDs as I await the coming apocalypse–snug inside my bunker.

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